Well, we received a ton of great entries for the Bad Neighbor Contest! Compared to the stories that we read, Charlie Sheen had it easy dealing with Tyler. Congrats to Sheila for her winning entry! After living next to this crazy guy, she deserves an award. So, we at AF1 have selected her to receive an original script signed by Steven Tyler and the cast of Two and a Half men. Check out her story and some honorable mentions below!
Sheila's winning entry:
As a child I lived with my parents and my 5 brothers in a nice neighborhood. At approximately age 11 I started to realize that there was something wrong with my neighbor. My Neighbor was a married, short stocky white collar guy. A real guys guy. During the summer while I laid in my bed I could hear him and his wife say good night to each other. It was strange to me when an hour or so after good nights I would see his wife outside walking around the yard in a beautiful negligee. This went on for so many nights. I started to think that this was not the wife but the husband. The wig, the hairy arms, it had to be. I told one of my brothers and both parents but no one believed me right off.
Meanwhile the neighbor started switching up costumes. He had all these high heels and square dance type outfits. He was out there overnight. One night I was falling asleep to some music, singing along. The next day HE told me "I liked your voice last night!" I knew for sure now. My brother also told me that I was right, he saw that it was the husband as well.
As the years went on we saw many strange outfits. We witnessed little dances where he kicked his panties off and hung them on the fence. He'd skip down the street dancing and twirling his outfit. Sometimes when out playing with friends I'd see him drive by the park in full drag. He often seemed to seek me out so I'd see him. I'd come home from school and he'd be standing in the back door in a wedding dress. He was so scary looking in his big overdone wigs and extreme makeup. He was super scary.
Eventually I graduated school and went to work. I'd leave the house at the same time in the morning as the neighbor did. (He was in men's clothes) He always compliment me on something I wore. If I had a red suit with black accessories he's have the same colors on that night. This was the new trend for him. It went on for weeks. I was completely freaked out. (and a much better dresser than he was)! I started using an alternate entrance to my house.
After the copy cat days he switched it up again he had a huge spotlight installed in his back yard and had a mirror up against the house. He started wearing black teddy and merry widows, fishnet stocking with garters and he'd dance seductively in his yard.
The last and final incident was when he started looking in our windows at night while we were sitting up a night. He looked right at my girlfriend one night while she sat in the kitchen smoking a cigarette. SCARY! My Mom actually had to go over to his house and talk to his wife. She told my Mom that she knew he had a problem and was had been trying to fix it for years, unsuccessfully.
Eventually, we sold the family home. It is my understanding that the strange behavior continues in that neighborhood.
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Here are some honorable mentions:
It's me.. *I'm* the bad neighbor. An incident which occurred just over a year and a half ago.. in my sleepy little planned housing community we'll call "Too Many F'ing Rules"-town. And we are governed by one of these overzealous community associations.. always walking around with clip boards 'inspecting'. So each year we have to undergo yet another 'Gee doesn't our property look nice' inspection. If you're planning on moving to "Too Many F'ing Rules" town.. well, hopefully you've not signed anything permanent.
So I have to tell the reason why I suck as a neighbor. Let me explain, I have a very large Great Dane... her name is "Storm". Well, the last time we attempted to get old Stormie girl on the scale at the vets (she's afraid of shiny scale surfaces) we clocked her at somewheres around 140 lbs and standing about 36 inches at the haunch. Now for you non-poochie types.. let me just say... that's a BIG dog. And with big dogs, especially one of Storm's size... no surface, save for perhaps the top of a very tall refrigerator, is free from her Great Dane sniffer and famous Great Dane appetite.
My story begins.. thusly.. it was a dark and stormy "Too Many F'ing Rules"-town Spring Cleaning "PROJECT". You'll note the use of the term project which was carefully chosen by our housing community association. Because they called it a project, the inspectors were thus EMPOWERED. which means they were able to fine you for not keeping the yards looking pretty. Now on past inspections.. many were cited for filthy siding. I, myself, don't quite understand why the siding on my house has to be spotless...as long as the dirt is kept out, that's good right..? but I noticed my neighbors all rushed about getting their Power Washing appointments all set up. By nature.. I'm a bit on the lazy side, particularly when it comes to matters of my yard. Each of my neighbors one by one cast a very disapproving glance as I sat watching the rushing of the power washers. Everything but my house looked so clean.. but that's not why I suck completely as a neighbor.
Why, it was just this week that I decided to make a batch of my very famous Coconut Macaroons... 2 dozen of the large size variety. The house smelled yummy. As the cookies lay cooling on their cookie cooling cloth... I took a call on my phone. About 10 minutes in I heard that fateful noise.. the sound of one macaroon dropping to the floor. I ran down the stairs as quickly as I could.. but it was sadly too late. My Great Dane sat nervously in the corner.. Oh BOY was she in for a treat. SWEET MACAROON JUSTICE.. that'll teach her. Now.. I won't get into the physiology of the result of two dozen macaroons on a Great Dane's system... let's just all close our eyes and use our imagination, shall we..? I'm sure but I'll be if we put our hearts to it we could 'push' a little something out. And she did... all over the backyard. It was like an Iraqi minefield back there. So much for the "Project Beautification" .. the nasty people with the clip boards would surely hold their noses at that one *pardon the pun*. Now, you would think the story might end there.. but it gets better (or worse, depending upon your perspective..). Being the lazy sort.. and of course not like the death threats of my fine neighbors.. I finally went out there armed with a box of Hefty bags (thank God for Force Flex) a shovel.. and the spirit of woman not to be defeated. My neighbor (will call him John) came out to offer some words of advice on what I might like to try with that shovel.. not being the adventurous sort, I kindly declined. I went back to my own beautification project.. bagged up all the offending parties, and placed them on the lawn to be taken with the morning trash. I went inside.. happy that I was successful in making the yard look and smell presentable in spite of the macaroon incident and looking forward to having clean house siding (whatever that meant).
As I was washing my hands.. I heard a distinctive.. "bzzzzz.. dzhhh" sound. "Well that sounds very familiar" I thought to myself.. but being so tired, and so in need of a shower, and of course.. waiting on my Power Washing guys to show.. I was thinking purely and very selfishly of a quick bath. It was precisely at the moment that the Calgon turned my water blue that I finally recognized the sound..
LANDSCAPERS!
As I looked out the window at the very large bags I left on my tree lawn.. I saw what I never expected in my life to see... the output of Dane poo mulched. A brilliant spray.. and a lot of very unkind folks shouting very awfully unkind things to me through the window. I thought about hiding.. blaming some other dog... faulty equipment.. it was no use. They would surely find me..they knew where I lived. so I walked down to see the damages. It was an Apocalypse of Poo... I was in awe. Like a first snow.. only not so white.. and really very stinky. And well.. all the shiny siding on the houses.. was not quite the same. I thought to myself, "this couldn't get any worse, could it." From my lips to God's ears.. It was at that moment my Power Washing guys showed... they looked so out of place in their clean white power washing shirts and sparkling white van. I was the last one in my community to hire someone out.. to cave to the silly 'shiny siding' rule.. and the result..? My procrastination saved me.. as I was the only one on my corner NOT to be written up for violations of the community association rules in support of "Project Beautification"... all my neighbors were fined.. had to appear before a board.. and were re-inspected at a later date. So when it comes to being a sh*tty neighbor.. let's just say.. I take the cake (or in this case, cookie). Three of my neighbors have since moved...I'll add that there were only three... three within a direct line of fire, that is. And well.. they cancelled the landscapers.. we now pay 'out of pocket for that'. And those these folks have since moved far away.. at times at night I lay away and imagine them at the bar retelling the story over a nice Chablis.. reminded by a menu offering of macaroons. I agonize to this day.. and in case you're wondering.. there's isn't any way to recover from an incident of that sort. In some incidences you just have to wait for them to move... those poor bastards.
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My neighbors got a dog this spring and didn't keep it on a leash. The little pup would run through my yard leaving shitty little presents. A few times mowing the lawn I stepped and nearly slipped in it.
As spring turns into summer, little puppy isn't little anymore and neither are his presents.
So outside one day I saw the neighbor working in his yard, I walked over said hello and casually mentioned lightheartedly his dog was leaving me piles of unwanted presents.
He replied with an "oh yeah".
I think not he's not getting the picture here so I try to help him invision, "umhum, he's grown quite a bit, shits like a cow now." Now the guy looks at me like he's smelling crap and goes back to weed whacking.
Now I don't know this couple well, they moved in last year, never see much of them, never had a conversation. Now I dont like them.
The shit keeps up, its July the piles are smelly, I'm not happy. So I get the shovel, scoop it up and throw it over in their yard. I continue this for a few days, surely they're getting the message.
Well one Saturday as I was throwing the load back in their yard the guy was coming out of the garage, good he saw me and now this will stop, yay!
Later that day walking down the stairs I smell shit, theres a sloppy splat next to the walk. Hum, did he throw it back over here???!!!!!
The next few days I throw with a vengence as I seem to have mushed piles of it, obviously we're tossing it back and forth.
I notice they spend a lot of time on the porch now, lawn chairs are pointed my way- not toward the street or their back yard, theres a war going on now!
So again a few days later I scoop the poop, their outside, I toss the turds back in their yard cursing a blue streak. Well the guy gets up, I go up on my porch and watch as he goes to his garage, gets a shovel, picks up the poop and throws it in my yard.
Now Im furious!
'Keep your dog shit in your own yard' I scream to which he screams back, 'Keep your dog shit out of our yard'.
'I don't have a dog jackass!' to which he hollars back, 'Neither do we idiot'.
Well come to find out the dog I thought was theirs wasn't, it belonged to another neighbor.
And they thought the dog belonged to us, lol.
The guy next door called the animal warden who told the people who actually owned the dog to keep it leashed, its the law.
I still apparently have shitty neighbors, on ocassion I see a woman walking the dog and letting him crap under my tree's.
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I have a neighbor that let's her daughter peek over the fence at us all the time!!! She never tells her to get down and leave them alone, she's always looking over the fence at us. So I have a life size aerosmith cut out, I taped it to the fence where she is always spying on us, so now all she sees is the boyz!!! I thought I'd really give her something good to look at!!
